Sometimes couples find themselves in this position: one person wants to work on repairing the relationship and the other is not so sure, is maybe leaning toward separation. Research shows that this kind of “mixed agenda” is common among couples approaching divorce, and there are few special services for them. This is a difficult presentation and one that requires a different approach than traditional couple counseling. In fact, trying a traditional couple counseling approach can be counter-productive and unsuccessful, leaving couples even more frustrated and hurting. Another approach, Discernment Counseling, was developed for just this situation.
Discernment counseling differs from regular marriage counseling in three ways:
a) the goal is not to solve problems in the relationship, but to figure out whether the problems can be solved by getting a deeper understanding of what has happened in the relationship
b) the process involves mainly individual conversations with each partner, since they each have different needs and agendas, providing the opportunity for each to get an understanding of their contributions to the problems
c) it is always short term.
What can couples expect to gain from discernment counseling?
--Clarity and confidence about next steps for their relationship
--A deeper understanding of what has happened to their relationship and each person’s contributions to the problems
What does discernment counseling involve?
The counseling focuses on three paths: staying the course and deciding later, carving out a six-month period of time to for an all-out effort in couples counseling (and sometimes other services) to preserve the marriage/relationship, or ending the relationship via separation or divorce. The sessions involve mostly individual conversations with the discernment counselor, along with sharing about what each partner is learning in these conversations. The counselor respects the reasons for ending the relationship while opening up the possibility of restoring the relationship to health. The counselor supports each of the partners where they are emotionally.
The counselor helps both partners see their individual contributions to the problems and the possible solutions. Understanding one’s own contributions to the problems can be important to the success of future relationships even if this one ends.
Discernment counseling is considered successful when people have clarity and confidence in their decision, and when they more fully understand what’s happened to their relationship.
How many sessions are there?
Discernment counseling can be as brief as one session and as long as five sessions. You decide each time whether to come back for a subsequent session. The sessions are usually 1.5- 2 hours.
Discernment counseling is NOT suitable when:
--One partner has made a final decision to end the relationship and only wants counseling to encourage the other spouse accept that decision
--One partner is coercing the other to participate via threats of any kind
--There is a danger of domestic violence
--When there is an Order of Protection from a court.
For more information about Discernment Counseling visit